My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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