This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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