there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
