I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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