I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
