I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
