Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I need moral support for this bender
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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