I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
