Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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