My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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