I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she told me i tasted like america
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Shame is for Republicans.
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