Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
