Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
