I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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