I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
