im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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