Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
