i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
