I've blown a few things in my day
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
