I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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