Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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