Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
