a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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