this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
