That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
