I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
