Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
