you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
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The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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