Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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