I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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