I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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