Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
