so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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