My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
