remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
