They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
