I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
