Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
