Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
