A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
