hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
