So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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