DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
