I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
