4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
