Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
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