You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
