How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
