why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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