every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
