Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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